Wanted

Written 56-A04 [2024-07-24], Edited 56-A04 [2024-07-24]

Image credit: Twitter Twemoji

“What are you doing?” I asked the shirtless teenager in aisle three. He appeared to be opening jars of peanut butter he hadn’t purchased yet, pouring it on his bare torso, and putting the half-empty jars back on the shelves. Perhaps the worst part were the orgasmic sounds he was making while doing so. What the actual hell was this?

I realized a second later when I saw the vandal’s accomplice, another teenager of an unclear gender, cloaked in a hoodie recording the entire ordeal on a smartphone. Oh it was one of those things wasn’t it, for the TikTok or whatever people were into these days?

“Oh yeah, extra chunky” the star of the show said with his eyes closed while cracking open another jar of Jif. I grimaced and was inclined to just walk away. I wasn’t an employee of the store and hadn’t bought peanut butter in the past three years. But I felt I had to say something, to do something.

The androgynous teenager cheered. What could I even say to people so desperate for attention, with such a craving for clout, who wanted fame even if it meant infamy? I opened my mouth to say “That’s really unhelpful and unhygienic,” but stopped myself while my jaw still hung open, because I knew it would be a goddamn useless thing to say, these guys knew what they were up to.

This isn’t your problem I thought to myself. Call the staff. But instead I shouted, “Y'all are cringe you know that?”

Notes

This was written in 15 minutes during a Joy of Writing meetup.